Fuck You

I can’t connect to anyone. I don’t know what to say to people even if I want to say something. I wish for most people to just disappear on the spot. We live in different realms. They say their stuff and I can’t even argue because I still can’t fully wrap my head around that they believe it. That all these people live in the world that allows them to think and talk that way. And feeling so right while doing it. So sane and balanced, well intended. So sure in their own importance and abilities even when they act modest and insecure, it shines through. In how they give advice, in how they assume the value of their intent, in how they think people should hear their opinions and conclusions because they have something to offer. In the fact that they dare to even search for meaning in things. In their self love, or pursuit for self love. In their selfies. In their jokes. I hate them. I hate them because they don’t even have the capacity to understand why I hate them. I can try to explain how disgusting they are but it won’t resonate when all those parts are what they are most proud off. So the problem is me, except I know i see things clearly. I know why I hate what I hate, and I stand by my hatred. I like my hatred. I have almost no real personality, I have no real tools to cope much with life, but I am glad I still feel disgust and hatred. If I didn’t, I would be someone truly horrible.

“Hate eats you up inside.” No, it doesn’t. It builds me up. At least it gives me momentary focus. Who cares whom I hate anyway. I’m generous with it. I don’t even interact with people though, how much do you need to be liked to be bothered by misogyny or misanthropy of someone like me?

Does it really need to be explained that there are levels from which we can observe things. On some level I hate you all. On some level you just annoy me. On some level I really don’t care. There are people I don’t hate, who say things I don’t find to be dumb. But I still can’t connect. I can’t have conversations, I can’t have or meet up to expectations. I hate the people I like as well then, on some level, cause they make me feel the worst. And I’m not even really close to anyone, that’s my act of altruism from a very profound level where I’m practically a hero. Every time I choose to stay away, I am a hero. Every time I tell you to go fuck yourself, I am a hero. Cause I let you go and I know exactly what you think about me, and it’s so easy for you to reach your conclusions and let it go. I am doing an act of kindness. When I tell you to go choke on a dick, I am giving you an easy out. And I like it. I like to say these things to people I don’t like. But it’s nothing. What makes you worthy of such dislike is how easily you then take this hatred trivially, but it’s not trivial. It’s not personal, for that you would have to be a person. It’s depressing, it’s disgusting, it’s completely overwhelming how sick you make me feel.

I’m not speaking from a moral high ground although my hatred is moral. I’m not speaking as a person, I’s much bigger than that. I don’t speak from self love, cause I could never begin to even think about taking that idiotic concept seriously, let alone see it as something to work on. How do you say such stupid words and don’t stop and get filled with disgust. Or at least find it funny. Something, anything but what you’re doing and thinking now.

No, I don’t love myself. If I hate myself, that’s also on some level. On some level I have very bad anxiety, I can’t speak, I can’t think and I can’t take it. I hate this situation. But it doesn’t matter. Contradictions are only an issue to idiots. There’s no hypocrisy. I don’t have to be anyone at all to hate you. Nothing needs to be deserved.

My hatred won’t harm you, it helps you. You will interpret in such way where it will fit right in with your beliefs and I am the example of what you don’t want to be like at all. And that’s how it will always be, you’ll talk on and on loving your voice, and I’ll say my shit and no one will hear anyone, cause if by any chance we do hear then we can just hate. If you could see how i see you, you would hate me too.

I know why I talk here. I just come here trying to find my thoughts and put them together so they leave my head. I don’t do it to exist or to tell others who I am. I don’t have solutions. That’s all it is, stupid random thoughts. But I have no doubt that my hatred is my morality. It is not wrong, and it is not bad, not for me or for anyone else.

Love is different, love is for individuals.

But I know I can’t connect with anyone. There is no solution, and the problem isn’t complex. It’s lack of ability. It’s so frustrating. You can’t imagine the frustration of it. When you want something so much but it doesn’t exist in others, and it doesn’t exist in you. You spent years working on some solution personified, or epiphany, and you spend years knowing there is none, but you still want to say to someone they are right, or that you agree, or that something they said reflected what you were thinking and it meant something to you. It is not something you experience often, and even though it won’t change anything, you think you can get something through that recognition, that something can be added onto you. But when you try to say it, it’s already dead. You can’t do anything with it, you can’t make it important without coping and turning things into your own little myths and legends. And then it’s disgusting. Before you know it it’s over.

But that’s not your life. You’re not alone, you all share the whole world where almost everything in it has the same meaning and you all relate. You’re so safe. Sometimes you find some things you can’t relate and you feel lonely until you eventually find someone you can relate even that to. You feel lonely so easily but you’re never really lonely. We are really lonely. We can’t relate anything, not even with each other. Our minds are empty. We don’t connect. We live in completely different worlds but while you’re all together in yours we are nowhere. It’s not a world, it’s just some empty place with nothing in it and we watch you. Your world is shit. Jealousy only goes so deep, it’s a distraction. Your world is a nightmare to watch but you are relatively content in it, and you’re not lonely in it. You ruin everything I could care about. I don’t want to be like you, and i don’t want to be where you are. And I don’t want to be where I am. But these two things are completely different and comparison is dumb.

I can’t do anything. I’m also just stuck. I can only hate everything to keep sane. When I say i wish everything was different, I don’t mean self improve, i don’t mean being like someone else, I don’t mean utopia, I mean everything.